Emotional Causes for ADHD
All of us have traumatic experiences from which we need to heal emotionally. As adults, we learn to deal logically with many traumas, as we push the emotional healing onto the back burner. However, eventually the need to heal does come to the forefront as our unconscious can no longer deal with it, and we start acting out in some way or have a breakdown or some kind of emotional consequences.
Children find many more things emotionally traumatic than we adults realize. Even simple things that we think they ought to be able to handle are often traumatic for them. We need to stop expecting children to handle things in adult ways and realize they need time and the opportunity to emotionally heal. We can't push them through this or there will be consequences later on.
As soon as babies are born, we start trying to rush them through stages of development which should be left to mature naturally. We want them to eat on our schedule, sleep on our schedule, and behave in ways that are convenient for us. Most parents don't realize that this is not healthy or realistic.
For instance, baby is hungry. But mom has been taught that babies should be fed according to a strict schedule of every four hours, so even though baby is crying to say he or she is hungry, mom will not feed the baby until four hours has passed. This is traumatic for a baby. They feel the hunger pangs, they feel the unrest inside them, and they can do nothing about it but cry. They are entitled to feel unhappy that they aren't being fed, and we parents, being uncomfortable with their crying, try to hush them up in every way possible. We rock them and try to distract them with toys and everything else so they won't cry. But we are keeping from the both of the things they really need: food, and the right to cry and heal themselves from trauma.
Much research exists to back up the idea that crying is how human beings heal themselves from trauma. But we are uncomfortable with crying, and we will do anything to stop it. Bottles, pacifiers, rocking, distraction. And why? The child has the right to feel upset because it's needs aren't being met, and it has a right to cry and heal itself. But we adults want to deprive the child of both those important things.
Dr. Aletha Solter of the Aware Parenting Institute has devoted several books and a lot of research to bringing this idea to the forefront of parenting. I suggest that you check out her book, The Aware Baby.
There is no reason why a child has to eat according to a schedule. In fact, we adults do ourselves a great disservice by eating on a schedule. We should be eating according to our body's needs, not according to set times for eating, which are meaningless, arbitrary conventions. Your body needs food every two hours or so in order to avoid the hunger pangs which signal to your body that there is a famine and that it should start storing more food as fat. Never let your body feel hunger pangs, eat before you feel them, and make sure your child eats often enough not to feel them. But that's another story for another page.
Children should be allowed to develop naturally and when they become confident and competent enough to take on a new skill, they will do so naturally. You don't have to force them. Force causes trauma.
Here are some things that are traumatic for children:
Hunger, thirst
Being separated from mom or dad before they are emotionally ready
Sleeping alone before they choose to on their own
Being forced into substitute care before they choose to be separated from mom or dad
Suddenly being removed from a learning situation before they were ready to quit
Suddenly being removed from a warm, nurturing interaction
Having their needs disrespected by someone they are talking to or interacting with
Being forced to obey a rule they don't understand
Children NEED to understand. If they are too young to understand, then they shouldn't be placed in a situation which will force them to adapt before they are able.
Parents unknowingly subject their children to trauma all the time. The key to healing this is to allow the child to cry and express his feelings, which he is entitled to, until he feels healed and able to continue. And don't send him to his room to cry alone. He needs to know you are there for him. While he is crying, hold him or her if they will let you, but at least sit near them, place your hand on them and say, "I can tell you are upset. I will stay with you until you feel better." That's all. No promises that you are going to fix things (unless you can, then do so). Just allow them to feel what they are feeling and express it. When they have cried enough and they feel better, they will be healed, they will stop crying, and things will go back to normal.
Now, how does this apply to ADHD?
Children that are hyperactive often have not been allowed to heal from traumas in their past. As a result, they develop what we call a control pattern to distract them from their emotional pain. Pacifiers, security blankets, rocking, many things that parents do to distract their children just contribute to this problem. Instead of sticking a pacifer in a child's mouth to stop the crying or fussing, a parent must stop, tend to the child's need, or if it is impossible to meet the need, then they must allow the child to cry to heal themselves. Few parents are willing to take the time necessary truly meet their child's need or let them heal. We find meeting their needs inconvenient, or aren't willing to change our schedules or plans. Or, we have been taught that if children don't immediately obey they should be punished. The use of punishment to control children is one of the greatest travesties in our world. It causes unbelievable trauma.
Children that are hyperative use their constant movement as a way to distract them from emotional issues that they need to heal from. They have needs that we as adults have misunderstood or have been unwilling to accomodate. So our child either pushes the issue with us until they get punished, or they cry or have a tantrum to heal themselves, which we usually discourage, or they find some other way to deal with their feelings and needs. Constant movement and interaction with their environment keeps them from settling down long enough to feel the painful feelings inside them.
To heal this, one should totally embrace Aware Parenting. This may take a total change in your beliefs about children, human nature, and how to meet legitimate needs.
See our Aware Parenting Page
Copyright 2006-8 Judie C. Rall and The Center for Unhindered Living
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