The Purpose of Marriage
"Women were organized and dominated tribal life. In this phase, womens' collective position was the best at any stage of human cultural development, including modern times. With the development of agriculture, women attached themselves to the soil, while men continued to hunt. Women produced and maintained the staple foods of the tribe. The women owned both the fields and the crops produced. They became highly organized in the kinship groups, dominating them. These matriarchal clans dissolved marriage in its earliest form giving women more freedom, status and authority. The tribe predominates in matriarchy while marriage and family are insignificant. People identify themselves as belonging to their mother's tribe. A husband remains with his own tribe and a wife with hers. He must win her and keep her by ongoing service- hunting or helping clear the fields. The women can decide on forming and ending marriages. The husband will visit his wife's home at times and spend the night with her. The children produced are the wife's, never his.
Examples of matriarchal clans were widespread throughout the world, persisting into modern times. Many of the North American indigenous tribes were matriarchal. Among the Iroquois, the women only tilled the soil (with primitive hoes). They controlled the food supply, cooked the food, tended the children and made the clothing for the tribe. The men helped agriculturally only by clearing new ground. They also hunted, fished, made weapons and went to war. Marriages were generally arranged by the mothers and chief women. The husband only visited his wife's home (lodge or long house) occasionally. He was obligated to bring game or fish, and if he did not, she could divorce him. Married couples had the right to divorce whenever they wished to. Generally, if they had children, this was discouraged by the tribe. The women also dominated the ruling council. The women decided on war and peace and the disposition of prisoners. Inheritances were strictly passed from women to their children.
Other North American indigenous matriarchal tribes
included the Wyandots,
Narragansetts, Winnebegs, Creeks, Potawattamis and Pueblos. Some South
American, Caribbean, East African, Southeast
Asian and Pacific Island tribes had
matriarchal organization as well" (1).
Of course, this began
about 10,000 years ago. There is ample evidence that matriarchal
societies flourished. So marriage was not always monogamous and
it was not always for life.
However, over time,
men began to accumulate wealth and were able to buy a wife instead of
serve for one. This gave way to a patriarchal system where the
strongest and wealthiest were those in charge.
Marriage rules were
definitely developed as a control. Only by requiring women to be
monogamous could a man assure that the child she bore was his.
This was important because a man did not want to pass his money, land,
holdings and title to someone that was not his blood relative.
And in the Jewish nation it became important to be able to prove what
tribe you belonged to, because kings were descended only from certain
tribes.
In a matriarchal
society, a woman could have as many men as she chose, so the men could
never prove which child was theirs, and the power always resided with
the mother, who could pass down her power and possessions to any child
she chose, and no man could lay claim to them because he had no proof
the child was his. But in the patriarchal system, no matter how
many wives he had, he always knew the children were his, and even if
his wife was unfaithful, the child could still be considered his.
Today, marriage is
still used as an attempt to control those involved in
it. In the United States, having more than one wife
or husband is illegal. The marriage contract is a legal entity
designed to discourage parties from dissolving their unions. It
is designed to encourage marriages to stay together, but if we have
learned anything in this modern age, it is that a piece of paper has
not been successful in keeping marriages together. It has not
been a deterrent at all. 50% of marriages still end in
divorce. How much easier would it have been if those people
involved in those unions had been free to leave whenever they
wanted. It would be so much less messy.
Marriage seeks to
control people's sexual encounters, intimate relationships, procreative
abilities, and much more. Legislatures seek to force
society to accept one particular pattern of intimate
relationships. Who gave our government the right to legislate our
relationships? Today there is a debate going on about
whether or not same sex couples should be allowed to marry. Of
course they should, because nobody should be allowed to decide for
another person who they can marry.
Marriage laws and
expectations are often unfair. Should gays and lesbians
desire to get
married like the rest of us? Why would they want to subject
themselves to constraints and limitations of marriage that we have
accepted? If I was them, I would boycott marriage and not seek to
be involved in such a limiting, antiquated contract.
People like the way
marriage feels, in the beginning. It feels like security, it feels like
belonging, like finally you have a place in the universe. You feel all
warm and cozy. You feel like someone is taking care of you.
For many people, the
warm
and cozy feeling changes, and it begins to feel very
constricting. So people hang on for weeks, months, years, instead
of saying, "This isn't working for me" or "I love you, but there are
aspects of this relationship that just don't fit with the way I want to
live my life." And people sacrifice what they really want out of
life. because they are made to feel that they are wrong to leave.
They are told "You took vows, you can't break your vow." I say,
DON'T take vows. And even if you get married, don't make
unconditional promises. Announce your love for each other at your
wedding, don't make vows.
Even as I write this,
I am involved in a relationship in which I have a strong desire to
marry. As humans we crave the feeling that we are permanently
joined with that which makes us happy. And that's OK as
long as we realize the reality that we don't have to be controlled by
society's expectations about marriage or relationships. Be brave
enough to forge the kind of relationship that works for you, unhindered
by the obstacles society would place upon you.
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Living Knowledge Collection
Copyright 2004-12 Judie C. McMath and The Center for Unhindered Living
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